Sometimes, life gets messy. There are bills to pay. Dishes and laundry to be done. Floors to sweep and mop, or vacuum. Babies to take care of, appointments and commitments to attend. Instagram feeds and Facebook timelines to scroll through. Emails and texts to reply to. And just when I thought I had it all under control, I was smacked with the thought that no matter how hard I tried, I would never have it all together. I would never be enough.
More often than not I find myself overwhelmed and trying to be everything to everyone. The perfect Christian, wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. To have a Pinterest worthy home, to be organized, prompt, happy. And then, I crash, and somewhere between my second or third glass of wine, I am stuck wondering how I got to be this way and why.
We live in a world where social networks show the highlights of our lives. We filter out the bad, tweak it a bit here and there, crop out what we don’t want the world to see. Young girls, that should in no way be worried about their looks, post images of themselves that have been so heavily edited that they no longer resemble themselves. Mothers spend more time taking photos and videos of their children, than actually living in the moment with them. I am guilty of this, myself. People do things and go places just so that they can post about them. We try so hard to prove that we have it all and that we have it all together.
And it makes sense, because who wants to talk about the bad, sad, and messy moments in life? We live in a high-tech, fast-paced, social networking world that is forever making us feel that we are far too busy yet never enough. We all desire happiness, we strive for it, we chase after it. We tell ourselves that if we can just do more, be more, then, we will be happy. A better job, a bigger house, a newer car, more stylish clothing. We want and want and want and are left feeling so small.
When I am out in public, I will often look around to see that everyone has their heads buried in their smartphone. Instagram. Facebook. Snapchat. Twitter. Vine. YouTube. Pinterest. Email. When did this become what life is about? Are we really living or are we just pretending? The other day I sat in my doctors office and looked around the room, every single person had their head in their phone other than myself and an older gentleman beside me. He looked to be in his 70s, and there he sat, reading a book. It was in that moment that I realized just how wrong our generation has it. We are too ‘busy’, too stressed, too connected with the internet and in no way connected with the world around us.
I have suffered from clinical depression for most of my life. I live in a constant cycle of ups and downs. Very highs and very lows. Never feeling like I am ‘enough’ for anyone or anything. I feel everything so very deeply and my emotions pour out. I am an over-thinker, an over-sharer, a perfectionist. It is both my blessing and my curse. Above all else, I desire contentment and I so often find that I come up short. I have lived angry, stressed, fatigued, sad, and stuck in the past. Mentally, emotionally, and physically broken. Just trying to get from day to day and never really living. Being too busy and too caught up in the things that don’t really matter.
Grace is this beautiful thing that we have been offered from God. We can have grace with ourselves, we can offer up grace to those around us. We can forgive, move on, let go. We can decide that we are good enough just the way that we are.
I want to post unedited photos of myself with no makeup on and see beauty for who I am. I want to go to amazing places and see spectacular things and not have to take a picture of it or tell the world in a Facebook status. I want to stop caring if the dishes are clean or if the floors have been swept and just play with my children and soak in each moment. I want to stop stressing. Breathe. Move slower. Embrace life. Love myself. Love others. Live with intent. Be present. I want to have more breakfast in bed, read hundreds of books, pray more, feel the sun on my face, go on dates with my husband, and belly laugh with my babies. I want to be more focused on my blessings than on the things that I do not have. I want to talk less and listen more. I want less to-do lists, less perfection, and less of my smartphone. I want to stop searching for happiness and just be happy. Because happiness is not a goal to be reached, it is a state of being and a choice. I don’t need it all. I don’t have to be it all. I am enough. You are enough.